HB Tales #2

Okay, here’s what happens when a caveman frozen in ice comes to life outside Marine World Park:

The ice around Ungo, a Cro-Magnon hunter from 30,000 years ago, shattered with a resounding CRACK. He blinked, his eyes struggling to adjust to the bright California sun. Gone were the familiar, snowy plains of his homeland. Instead, towering structures of metal and glass scraped the sky, strange wheeled contraptions zipped by on paved pathways, and the air hummed with a cacophony of unfamiliar noises. Ungo, clad in tattered furs, stumbled out of the remaining ice chunks, utterly bewildered.

He was right outside Marine World Park (now Six Flags Discovery Kingdom), and the first thing he saw was a giant, brightly colored sign depicting a smiling dolphin. Ungo, who had only ever seen creatures he hunted for survival, grunted in confusion. A group of teenagers, engrossed in their phones, nearly bumped into him. They stopped, gawking.

“Woah, check out this dude’s Halloween costume!” one of them exclaimed, pulling out his phone to take a picture.

Ungo, startled by the flashing light, roared and brandished a crude stone axe he still clutched in his hand. The teenagers shrieked and scattered, dropping their phones. Ungo, disoriented and frightened, lumbered towards the entrance of the park, mistaking the dolphin on the sign for some kind of monstrous, oversized fish.

Inside the park, chaos ensued. Ungo, wide-eyed and brandishing his axe, encountered a sea lion show. The barking of the sea lions and the cheering of the crowd only added to his confusion. He charged towards the pool, convinced he was about to engage in a life-or-death struggle with the giant “fish.”

Okay, here’s what happens next in the caveman story:

Ungo, still disoriented by the sea lion spectacle, wandered towards a large, artificial lagoon. He saw a group of kids gathered around a giant clam shell, one of the park’s goofy photo-op props. The kids, seeing Ungo’s bewildered expression and assuming he was a park employee in a very convincing (if somewhat smelly) costume, gestured for him to come over.

“Hey, mister, wanna get in the clam with us?” a young boy with a mischievous grin asked.

Ungo, understanding neither the language nor the intention, simply grunted and cautiously approached. The kids, mistaking his grunt for agreement, excitedly pulled him into the oversized clam. They giggled and posed for pictures, completely oblivious to the genuine fear in Ungo’s eyes.

One of the kids, deciding to play a prank, grabbed a large metal hook attached to a rope – another part of the photo-op setup used to simulate “fishing” for the clam’s pearl. He carefully hooked it onto Ungo’s fur tunic, thinking he’d give the “costumed employee” a little tug.

However, the hook caught firmly. The kid, with the help of his friends, began to pull with surprising force. Ungo, panicking, instinctively struggled. With a loud RIIIIIP, the tunic tore apart, revealing Ungo’s surprisingly muscular, albeit hairy, chest. The force of the pull, combined with Ungo’s frantic thrashing, sent him flying out of the clam shell.

He sailed through the air, landing with a THUD that sent the kids sprawling onto the ground in a heap. Ungo, now half-naked and even more confused, scrambled to his feet, his eyes darting around wildly. The kids, stunned and slightly bruised, stared up at him in disbelief. The giggling had stopped. The reality of the situation – that this wasn’t a costumed employee, but something far stranger – began to dawn on them.

The kids, picking themselves up, stared at Ungo with a mixture of fear and dawning recognition. One of the older boys, a lanky kid with glasses, pointed a trembling finger.

“Wait a minute… that’s… that’s Professor Wayne!” he stammered.

A chorus of voices erupted: “Professor Wayne! It is Professor Wayne!”

The realization spread through the group like wildfire. Professor Wayne was a somewhat eccentric, though well-respected, anthropology professor at a local university. He was known for his immersive research methods and his… let’s just say unconventional theories about early human behavior. He’d disappeared a few weeks ago, leaving behind only a cryptic note about “experiencing prehistory firsthand.”

Just then, park security, alerted to the commotion, arrived on the scene, followed closely by a couple of police officers. Seeing the half-naked, axe-wielding Ungo (or rather, Professor Wayne) surrounded by bewildered children, they quickly assessed the situation.

“Alright, sir, put down the axe and come with us,” one of the officers commanded, his hand hovering near his holster.

Professor Wayne, still in his prehistoric mindset, didn’t understand a word. He just grunted and brandished the axe again, causing the officers to move in cautiously. After a brief but clumsy struggle, they managed to subdue him and slap on the handcuffs.

As they led him away, one of the officers muttered into his radio, “We’ve got a possible 5150… male subject, delusional, claiming to be a Cro-Magnon… and surprisingly strong.”

The kids watched in stunned silence as Professor Wayne, still grunting and occasionally roaring, was bundled into the back of a police car.

“But… but why is he dressed like a caveman?” one of the younger girls asked, her voice trembling.

“I told you he was crazy!” the lanky kid with glasses exclaimed.

The police car sped away, sirens wailing, heading towards the Atlantic County Jail in Mays Landing, NJ. Professor Wayne, alias Ungo, the Cro-Magnon caveman, was about to experience a whole new kind of prehistoric adventure.

Wayne, thoroughly bewildered, was processed into the Atlantic County Jail. The orange jumpsuit felt alien and uncomfortable compared to his (admittedly tattered) furs. He didn’t understand the booking process, the fingerprinting, or the stern warnings barked at him by the guards. He just grunted and stared blankly, further reinforcing their belief that he was completely out of his mind.

He was informed (though he didn’t comprehend) that he was being held on a $500,000 bail, facing charges of assault, property damage, and resisting arrest. The real reason for his bizarre behavior, however, was far more complex than mere delusion.

It turned out that Professor Wayne, in his quest to “experience prehistory firsthand,” had stumbled upon a hidden laboratory beneath Marine World Park during one of his late-night “research” expeditions. The lab belonged to a disgruntled former park employee who had invented a device capable of freezing objects in time. Wayne, believing the invention could revolutionize our understanding of the past, intended to steal it and bring it to the university for further study.

His plan, however, went horribly wrong. He accidentally activated the device on himself, freezing himself in a block of ice for an unknown period, only to be thawed out inadvertently by a faulty sprinkler system outside the park. Now, instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, he was stuck in jail, facing serious charges, and completely unable to explain himself in a way anyone would believe.

Ah, that’s a fun twist! Knowing it’s inspired by a Scooby-Doo episode makes it even better. It definitely explains the slightly absurd plot. Here’s how the story continues, keeping that Scooby-Doo vibe:

Back at the familiar Mystery Machine, parked discreetly outside the Atlantic County Jail, the Scooby Gang – Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby-Doo – were piecing together the clues. Velma adjusted her glasses.

“Jinkies! It all makes sense now,” she exclaimed. “Professor Wayne wasn’t just some crazy caveman. He was trying to stop someone from using that time-freezing invention!”

Fred nodded. “But who would want to freeze time?”

Daphne, ever the fashion-conscious one, shuddered. “Maybe someone who wants to stop me from buying the perfect outfit!”

Shaggy, predictably, was more concerned about food. “Like, maybe someone who wants to freeze all the pizza in the world, man!”

Scooby-Doo whimpered and hid behind Shaggy. “Rizza!”

Velma consulted her notes. “The former park employee, a disgruntled scientist named Dr. Chronos, was fired for his… unorthodox experiments. He claimed he was close to perfecting a device that could manipulate time itself!”

“Zoinks! Like, that sounds pretty dangerous, Velma,” Shaggy said, scooping up Scooby for comfort.

Fred, ever the leader, stepped forward. “Alright gang, it’s time to solve this mystery! We need to find Dr. Chronos and stop him before he can use that time-freezing invention for evil!”

The gang piled into the Mystery Machine, ready for another adventure. As they drove off, Scooby-Doo howled at the moon. “Roo-roo-roo!”